The greatest decision of my life (Cont.)

The choir practice was finally over and the time came for us to go back home. Being at home was as difficult as being in the church, if not more difficult. At least in church there were many faces, among which I could disguise my grief, and sometimes myself, a luxury evidently absent at home. But I felt my resolve grow stronger at home. Dinner went off smoothly, the T.V. proving to be quite a useful distraction. I was consciously aware that my time of reckoning was drawing closer with every passing second. And finally it came - the time of our family prayer. Dada and Mama were talking something and I just sat there, listening to everything, hearing nothing; my mind overworked with anxiety and planning. I hoped that their conversation would never end (Its funny how people tend to hope against hope when faced with a dire situation, now that I’m into psychology I’ve begun to take special interest in such common strange thought processes. Why did I not think of psychology before??? Why??? It now seems like I’m tailor-made for it. Anyways it’s good that I realised it before it was too late. Better late than never.) But alas it ended and Dada was getting ready to pray. That was when I hit the panic button. This was the moment about which I had thought the whole day and now that it was finally here………….. I didn’t know what to do. All my preparation and planning and mock mental rehearsals failed me when I needed them most. I was left stranded in the middle of nowhere knowing not where to turn for help when something most men wouldn’t consider a friend came to my rescue……my tear glands. I just said one word – “Dada”- and started crying profusely. The crying proved useful in more ways than one. Mostly it gave me some much needed time to construct my next move (not that I had less preparatory time, I had a whole day, but the thinking you do in the actual moment of despair, when your back’s to the wall, proves invaluably useful as compared to the initially done thinking and planning; especially for a person like me, extremely instinctive that I am.) and it also told my parents that something has occurred which has upset me greatly. My parents were visibly surprised at this sudden unannounced and unexpected burst of emotion. It seemed like all the effort I had put into my acting had paid off and I was already regretting it. Had I not made such a good performance would my parents be aware that something was troubling me and this outburst would not be such a bolt out of the blue for them. But now here was I, crying and they didn’t know what to do. Mama started asking stupid or rather seemingly stupid questions in her attempt to find the reason for my lament; questions like “What happened? Did you fail in your exams?” These questions were stupid because I hadn’t even written my exams then and there was some time to go for them and also because passing in those exams was not a very difficult thing to do. On the other hand Dada just sat there, staring quietly. I finally garnered enough strength and calmed myself and told Dada everything. I had decided earlier in the day that there was no soft way of breaking the news to him so I went straight to the point and told Dada that I was debarred from writing my exams. I continued till I told all that was needed to be said, which was far from saying all what I had planned to say, but was enough; stopping between sentences only to pull in the liquidated snot that threatened to fall off my nostrils. As my talk progressed so did my confidence and I could answer the few questions Dada posed at the end of it to my satisfaction. I could also successfully assert that this was my decision and there was very little chance of turning back (Which decreased to almost no chance after the events of the next day). Dada became visibly upset and was understandably so. Imagine bringing up your son with dreams of seeing him becoming an engineer and he one day comes and tells you that he’s doing arts. Being upset is the least you can expect him to do. If you ask me, who feared the worst, I thought that he took it pretty well. But after it all he was too upset to pray so Mama prayed that day. The moment I lowered my head for the prayer was when I realised how much I had longed for the quiet solitude it brought with it, away at last from those glaring eyes. I cried through the whole prayer taking in only those parts of the prayer that were created by my recent revelation. Tears coupled with snot ran generously through the entire length of my face, chin and throat finally terminating at my T-shirt collar owing to the lowered position of my head. The first thing I did as the prayer concluded was to go to the wash basin to wash my face. It is customary in my house to shake hands with everyone after the family prayer but till I returned from the basin Dada had already retired to the bedroom. I wished everyone else and after standing outside the bedroom for almost a minute finally, owing to a little prodding from Mama, mustered the courage to go to wish Dada. And just when I had thought that I had spent every drop of liquid in me in my tears, there they were again, bringing me to believe that our tear glands, or mine at least, have an unquenchable well as its source of water. If people around the world would learn to cry like me we’d sure have no draughts! As I shook my Dada’s hand my knees grew weak below me and I found myself leaning wholly on the cupboard beside me, slowly sagging down. All I could manage to say was, “Sorry Dada. I fell in the only eyes in which I wanted to be something.” I thought I saw a small tear in Dada’s eyes; it may have just been my imagination, as he picked me up and told me to go and sleep. He always seems to know just the right thing to say at such times (This was not the first time I was impressed by his choice of words in tense situations. It is his choice of a lack of words which impresses me most.) I obeyed him dutifully but not before taking another trip to the wash basin. I knew that Dada wouldn’t sleep that night ( an assumption which was confirmed the next day) and that made me not want to sleep too but I had gone through too much for too long and my mind was too weak to encourage any further thinking which was inevitable if it were to be kept awake any longer and so it chose to shut down after a very long and strenuous day… and I slept…soundly. Thus ended the worst day of my life. The sound sleep rendering and anti-climatic ending to a day which I, after all its happenings, would have predicted would end in anything but that. But this doesn’t bring my narration to an end because the next day brought some much needed respite which forms an important part of the narration.
I had decided to take Dada to Deepak Sir the next day so that he could have a small talk with him and reduce some of his anxiety created on account of my future. I thought he’d do a good job cause he’s a little more experienced in these matters and he’s done it all before. He didn’t disappoint me. But the best thing that happened was something I wouldn’t have predicted…. ever. As I entered Deepak sir’s room I saw that there was another person in the room (other than Ashwini of course). I found myself smiling at Lavina, a distant cousin. Lavina used to previously work at the college library and occasionally (in her own words) came to visit her friends there though this was the first time I had seen her in the whole year (My being debarred for attendance is not so surprising after all). But that’s not the shocking thing. The shocking thing was that after listening to my plans of changing the stream she told that she had done the same too. The best part was when she told that it was something that she would never regret and that she was the happiest person doing what she was today. She also told that she redeemed herself when she topped the college in her final year. I was totally unaware of Lavina’s change of stream but apparently Dada knew all about it. Lavina’s meeting me on that day of all days was anything but a coincidence to me. All I could do was smile at my God who was superbly stamping His authority over the entire thing. After that Lavina left and we had a nice little talk with Deepak sir. I could see that he answered most of Dada’s career related questions to Dada’s satisfaction. Dada’s anxiety was greatly reduced on that day. We left the counselling centre happier and a lot more relaxed. Then on the train journey home was when I spoke to Dada normally after what seemed like an inconceivably long period of time, though it was lesser than a day. He just told me that whatever I do I should do it well and with all my heart; that I had me the ability to excel in whatever I chose to excel in. He just told me to stay true to my ability and to not let it go in vain. I know in his heart he knows I won’t. I know in my heart……………..I won’t.